OK, so here it is, only January 18th (Happy Birthday to my SIL Cheryl, btw), and I look over my “goal” sheet and find I’m seriously lacking in follow-through. It’s funny, because this “flaw” tends to show up only in my personal goals and aspirations. I’m a great employee; I am consistent in my parenting. I’m a faithful friend.
Why do I not give myself the same consideration I give others?
Anyone who knows me understands my propensity for having a lot of good ideas and grandiose plans, but also they are never surprised when the novel sits still waiting for an ending. (Right now, I’m struggling with making the protagonist do what she knows she must). Or, when I walk 15-20 miles a week, only to spend the next two months falling into old patterns. And the pies? Yeah, this is the year that I become a “good pie maker.” The apples sit sadly withering in my fridge …
And blogging. Such a simple thing, really, for a person who spends a lot of time during the day sitting at a computer. Somehow the hours of curriculum construction, and pininteresting, and an occasional foray into “facebook stalking” my children (as they call it) sweep over me without the slightest thought of pulling up WordPress and jotting down something of some worth to someone (even me!)
I read an entry by Glennon over at “Momastry” (http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/19/telling-secrets-2/). Her blog is beautiful, funny, and oh, so truthful. I like her words of encouragement — that people who read her won’t always agree, and that’s OK if they do it respectfully. I have people who read me — who, it feels sometimes stalk me — just waiting for me to say something they disagree with. Then, they say very angry, hateful things and use my space for the venting of their feelings. I’m OK with disagreement — I definitely don’t want everyone to think like me. But really? Can’t we all learn to share our opinions and feelings without making other people feel stupid? Why do so many people believe that they are the only ones with markets on exactly how things should be said, done, or thought? Or, I also know people who seem to believe it is their duty to disagree with every little thing I say or express — like, I shouldn’t “share” anything unless it’s an iron-clad argument that they can agree on.
Sometimes, it feels like I have been put in this world to serve as a lightning rod for people’s frustration and anger. And because I open myself up to being honest and willing to dialogue about things most people won’t, all the angry people in the world “friend” me just so they can feel better about themselves. Because I don’t bow to their superiority complexes, I “deserve” what I get. Like they are some adult bully, and most people in their lives just keep the peace. Yeah, folks: We’re not ten anymore.
That’s part of the reason I don’t blog as much.
I’d love to just say flowery things that every can be happy about. I’ve tried it … you can blog about food and crafts without pissing too many people off. But even simple things that I believe — ways I parent, or share life with friends — seems to bother people when they see it on a blog. Sometimes I’d like to say, “Start your own blog! Then you can say whatever you want without making me feel beaten by the same people who claim peace and love …” When you’re passionate, and you see things wrong with the world you live in, and you offer anything that deviates from the acceptable “norms” in the circles you run with … God have mercy on your writer’s soul.
So, I spend a lot of my energy trying to speak truth without angering too many people. It’s exhausting. There are a lot of people in my world that apparently have everything all figured out. Black and white. No wiggle room to think differently. No room for thought, because they already KNOW the right answers. No room to consider that maybe, just maybe, someone might be able to help them think a bit outside the box they keep themselves safe — and in prisoned — in.
Maybe that’s why I find myself running short on time to achieve the personal goals I’ve set for myself?
I have a few friends I feel totally safe with. Sharing thoughts and feelings that, even if we don’t agree, we can be human with one another. Spur one another on to love and good deeds, despite not agreeing on every point of semantics. And you guys know who you are. I also have some friends who will never agree on most things I think or write, yet I feel safe with them, because I know their hearts really do love me unconditionally.
Then there are the people — many virtual strangers — that demand I “take a stand” or push their interpretation of things spiritual and otherwise onto my plate and say, “There! Eat that!” And if I stop to consider, or decide for the sake of others that I won’t post comments, or even give them “answers” as to why I think or believe a certain thing, they rant about how I’m intolerant, or they take the road of the martyr, never fully understanding that a martyr goes quietly down the road, firm in what they believe, but finding it unnecessary to garner pity and support from the masses they stand screaming to about the injustice shown to them.
So … do I not blog? Or do I suck it up and do what I believe to be right, knowing the opposition (for whatever reason) will be waiting to snack on my soul? Masochism notwithstanding, I (like them) need to be true to what I believe I’ve been given to do. It makes me glad to be the prophet and not the crusader, though. Because a prophet can sit back and say, “I did what I thought was right,” and some people eventually “get it.” A crusader looks back and sees nothing more than dead bodies and broken lives — even though they think they did the “right” thing.
OK, enough thinking! There are art journal entries to make, pies to bake, and miles to walk before I sleep.